Losing a parent is awful and it may be the hardest thing you ever have to go through. Although it’s an inevitable part of life, the person you become once you have weathered the storm is up to you. It will change you and it may even destroy you. You learn to live with it differently as the days go by, even if it doesn’t get easier.

If you’ve lost a parent or loved one, you may often wonder how you can make it through the rest of your life without the person who is no longer here. I’m with you and I’m here for you. It’s been 3 years since my mom passed away and it has been the hardest few years of my life.

After 3 years, I’ve been through it all. First comes the shock, then grief, anger, and guilt. But soon you start to accept. There’s no guide or manual to help you deal with loss, so when it does happen, a lot of feelings can take you by surprise. The pain doesn’t go away, you just learn how to embrace it, channel it and use it as a way of cherishing the person who was so cruelly taken from you.

Here are 5 things I’ve come to learn after losing a parent that people don’t tell you, and that you can’t really prepare for.

You don’t have to be strong.
When other people experience death, this is the first thing I tell them. Make sure you grieve. When my mom passed away, I tried hard to be strong for my dad and my brother, and to show everybody how resilient and tough I was. But you can fake it for only so long.
My instant reaction was planning mode. I had to coordinate a funeral, plan a celebration of life, collect photos, contact family members, deal with finances and death certificates, and who knows what else. That entire month was truly a blur. I never let myself grieve or even feel what was actually happening.
Let me tell you that it is 100% okay to lose your composure, to have outbursts of emotions or to completely fall apart. We learn and acquire a lot of our strength from our mother, so when you lose her, it’s quite devastating. Let yourself mourn and grieve because later it will hit you like a ton of bricks.
You will feel guilty. Let that shit go.
I’ve gone through the entire month and days leading up to my mother’s passing a hundred times and thought about what I could have done differently.
My mom had some previous health issues and I was already her power of attorney. Every test to save her life, every procedure she went through, and medication they put her on - all signed and authorized by ME. I replay over and over if I could have done something differently or made a different choice but in dark blue ink on every document is my name saying it was ok to do so. Could I have done anything differently? No. I was authorizing what every medical professional at the time said was the best option.
I’ve also gone back and punished myself mentally for all the times that I wasn’t the perfect daughter, or when I was mean to my mom. Every argument, every time my brother and I would pick on my mom or every time we yelled at her for mistakes she had made - I beat myself up over them.
What I did learn was that instead of focusing on what I did wrong, the arguments, and pictures I didn’t take, I now look back and remember the times I made my parents proud. I cherish the laughter and family vacations now more than ever.
It took me a long time to get over the guilt. I now know I couldn’t have done anything differently and try and let the good memories and feelings outweigh everything else.
Other people won’t really know or seem to care. But it’s okay!
After a few months or even years, people forget you are still grieving. It’s really hard for people to realize that after even a year, things are still hard. People offer their condolences the first week, and then it slowly goes away. And that’s okay! It doesn’t change the way you should process your feelings. Everyone will experience things differently.
There are others going through the same as you, and they will be much more likely to understand. They will be the only people who truly, wholeheartedly get what you are going through. My best friend Jess B lost her father before me, and I didn’t even seem to realize how badly she was hurting until it happened to me. She was the one friend at the time who had gone through the same thing as me and who I could connect with.
Other people just haven’t been through such a devastating loss. 3 years after my mother’s death I still suffer, but my close friends don’t really see it. They can’t relate to the fact that on some days, the pain I feel is still as raw as the day it happened.
Important milestones and holidays are quite painful.
When you lose a parent, it’s the big milestones that test you. The birthdays, holidays, work promotions, buying a home, engagements/weddings and the thought of starting a family without your child having a grandma will make you emotional.
I think about every holiday tradition and meal my mom cooked and want to make every holiday perfect, for her. It sets me up for failure each year because when it doesn’t go as great or look as easy as she made it, it only makes it harder. I do feel for the friends and family members that have to be around me on Thanksgiving or Christmas. I want everything to be perfect but really, I just want my mom there.
Every year for my mom’s birthday, we would go somewhere fancy (on my dad’s tab) and her only simple request was to order the most decadent chocolate dessert on the menu. Since her passing, I do the same thing every year. Who doesn’t love an excuse to eat cake?
You will be okay.
Life doesn’t go on, but a new one does begin. When I’m reminded of my mom, I use it to cherish her memory. I know my life has been forever changed and I won’t get my mom back, but I’m eternally grateful she touched my life in such a powerful and beautiful way. I know she would be proud.

Some days are harder than others. If you’re struggling with loss, I’d love to connect and be an emotional resource for you. Comment below if experiencing loss has taught you something you may not have prepared for.

Losing a Parent: Things You Learn That You May Not Have Prepared For